Chasing my life

 

A few things I didn’t have the energy to say yesterday.

I found the therapy session helpful

It was too long, I felt like crap all yesterday, but it was, or will be, helpful.  It’s quite a practical approach my therapist takes and is based on graded increases in activity. 

I clarified a few things by talking them through:

• I felt demoralized by the return of fatigue symptoms after pushing hard for a year to complete a qualification + voluntary work + social life etc.
• This setback is frustrating and has led to dispirited apathy and exacerbation of depression.
• If I look back now I can see that my desire to get ‘a normal life’ had probably caused me to ignore signals of overwork and push through for too long.  I’m stubborn.
• Eventually I had to stop, and when I did I found my fatigue/depression and anxiety had gained ground and engulfed me.  I found myself feeling more ill than I was a year ago, which was not part of the MasterPlan at all.
• Cue some self-pity/frustration/foot-stomping/why-me’s and depression.
• Talking with therapist I realise I need to try to draw a line under this now.  It’s happened.
• Building back from where I stand now instead of being pissed off that I’ve gotten worse is going to be the only way to start feeling stronger and a little more fulfilled.
• Finding a couple of activities of an hour or two in length to structure my week will start me off.  Examples of things I could do are swim, join a writing group, join a CFS self-help group, join a meditation or yoga group.  You get the idea.  Basically, start with a group so I get some socialising in and include exercise because it’s good for me in lots of ways that chocolate isn’t.

I’m obviously in a big old rut at the minute and as motivation levels wax and wane it was helpful to have a therapist to talk to, get the frustrated feelings out into the open and have her give me some practical encouragement.  Sometimes I need that, I’ve never been good at asking for help and I’ve often resented having to do so, but I can’t always yank myself up by myself.  People.  People who need people…are the luckiest people… That’s a really old song and I can’t remember who sang it – a 1940’s Crooner, I think?  It’s a really crap song with crap lyrics, but it popped into my head, so I can’t be held responsible.  Right, back to what I was saying…

Erm…yeah, so, in summation,

• Ruts are motherfucking hard to get out of.
• Talking to the right person at the right time is helpful.
• I’m going back to basics, baby steps again.
• I feel like there’s an aperture of light I might be able to squeeze through, with some work, some luck and some chocolate.
• Not expecting it to go smoothly; it’s an illness and a life, not a bar of Galaxy.
• I’m obsessed by chocolate.
• I don’t know why I’ve gone crazy on the bullet-pointing in this post.