Boredom in depression

 

I am so fucking bored I want to chew my own hand off.

“Well, what do you want to do then, if you’re bored?”

“It’s not that kind of bored that I can think of something I want to do.  It’s a deep, internal boredom that comes from the inside and grabs you by the throat…”

“Oh, what are you talking about?  All boredom’s internal isn’t it?  No one goes around saying ‘hmm, my foot is really bored today’”.

 

Just another snippet from conversation with family that leads nowhere.  I am very very bored, but this morning I was very very tired and the day before I was very very sick from dodgy food, tiredness and too many pills.  I’ve been short tempered, irritable with people and then in frustrated tears.  It felt like boredom, then it tranmutes into another mental creation.

Boredom turns to fierce tension – I want to rip something apart.  I want to scream and throw things and destroy.  My fist through a mirror might stop it.  Short. Sharp.  Energy burst.  Blood burst.  I could watch the blood and feel the exquisite sting, so much better than the unreleased tension just suspended in mid air.  With me, pathetically phrasing emotions “I’m SO bored” and getting nowhere in the phrasing.

Depression and low moods feel like ping pong balls, each carrying a different emotion/state, snapping around a board, crashing here there and everywhere, DING! DING! round and round they go.  I’d rather be the teenager with the coin than the ball in the machine.

I know exactly why I’ve hit this low and I know what the sequence of events are that led me here.  Doesn’t change the fact that it’s going to feel like shit and be a bit fucking crap to clamber back up out this pit again.

TV Crushes – deep south dramas

I’m currently infatuated with the influx of American deep south drama and the actors represented in said dramas.  In particular, Timothy Olyphant (I know, stupid last name, but overlooking that) in Justified.  The gun-toting, cowboy hat-wearing, southern-drawling LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER with his own interpretation of the rules.  I paraphrase: “You draw first, and I’ll put ‘ya down.”  Hell yeah!

Having had time to gather a few T.V. crushes over the years it has become glaringly obvious that I’m attracted to the persona, not the person.  At first I thought I really did LOVE Scott from Neighbours; then I got older and moved on to Dean Cain from Superman: The New Adventures (think that was its title).  So, now I’m aware that my latest T.V. crushes are but ephemera, destined to disperse like the smoke trails from the caterpillar’s pipe in Alice in Wonderland.  But for now-

Behold my crushes:

Timothy Olyphant.  It’s in the eyes.

Then we have True Blood and its cornucopia of “talent”, both male and female.  This really is a smorgasboard of lusty choice.  It depends on your type.  Guy’s/bi’s you could have Tara, Sookie, or the Lesbian Dominatrix Vampire who hangs out at Fangtasia.  For male crush-material, we have much to choose from, but I’ve settled on Eric – vampire and club owner.  However, he wasn’t crushworthy from the start.  Let me illustrate.  Here we have his first incarnation – greasy long hair, reminiscent of Cobain grunge plus suit:

Yeah, not-so-much.  I’ll pass.

Then, a revelation.  CUT HIS HAIR!, give him a human angle in the storylines and, here we have, new and improved bad but sexy:

The internet is perilous where crushes are concerned.  It is AT YOUR PERIL that you look back into the history of your current idol.  You will be disappointed to find that they weren’t always this buff/cute/heart-melt material.  This last picture is also of Eric (Alexander Skarsgaard), but it has moved into gay icon territory, rather than brooding intensity.  If you are a heterosexual squeamish male, look away now:

(‘scuse me while I just go throw up)  Yuk!  Why?  This is not smouldering sexuality that lets the imagination fill in the blanks.  This is way too gay porn for my taste.  Maybe that’s where this pic was targeted.  But see how little it takes for our crushes to be..crushed..

I don’t know why the Deep South has had such a popularity explosion.  I think it has something to do with the heat.  Heat that’s dry, tastes like sand in your mouth, a million miles from our temperate rainy island.  Everyone loves a change and I’m loving the southern drawling dramas, dripping with heat and sweat, greasy fried chicken and vampires who own nightclubs.

Anyone care to share current crushes?  Go on!  I won’t tell anyone.

Zombie Apocalypse – the truth

Now, I’m not one for scaremongering, gossip-talk, nor am I easily led, but this is too important to gloss over.

Please, remain calm and poe-faced in the midst of this, the final call to arms.  We are to be deluged by – dare I speak the Name? – ..we are to be overrun by.. by those we heretofore have mocked in mock-schlock horror films.  Dare I write the word?

ZOMBIES

Who’s got the last laugh now?  Well, nobody, technically – zombies aren’t known for enjoying a good belly laugh – but still…THEY COME….

This post is the result of me reading about this blog post from the CDC (serious, poe-faces) that crashed the servers, which you can check out on the link below

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=136500576

So the doctor tries a little levity and as The Associated Press reports:

Zombie apocalypse.” That blog posting headline is all it took for a behind-the-scenes public health doctor to set off an Internet frenzy over tired old advice about keeping water and flashlights on hand in case of a hurricane.

What followed was an astounding increase in hits to the CDC website, with servers crashing or near breaking point.  A couple of comments following this internet storm are of note.  The first, from the article reporting the internet ‘frenzy’:

Above the post is a photo of what appears to be a dirty-fingered female zombie

Wow!!  She appears to have dirty fingernails???  Really??  Not, ‘CDC public health doctor pastes zombie picture above public information blog post’.  The appearance of dirty fingernails in a zombie is surely more noteworthy than the mere fact that the subject is of zombie descent to begin with.

Moving along:

We have a critical message to get out and that is CDC saves lives while saving money. If it takes zombies to help us get that message out, then so be it,” said agency spokesman Tom Skinner

Well, I don’t think there’s anything more to add is there?  I can confirm, having clicked on the link I provide you with in this blog post, that the picture posted does indeed appear to depict a dirty-fingernailed, female zombie.

ANXIETY WITH NO CAUSE

I have been soo anxious today.  I’m putting it down to a bit of agoraphobia following a period of confinement indoors.  First I was ill, after the aerobics, then I just feel like I’m faltering a bit lately.  There are days when I’m in a low mood and don’t want to do anything.  Today I went out for a reeeeallly short gym session.  I went for that option because I couldn’t come up with any other ideas on the spot.

When one has been indoors for a few days, the outside world no longer feels ‘normal’.  It’s a scary place with “lions and tigers and bears… Oh My!!  Lions and tigers and bears, oh my..” (film reference in case you were unaware

It really is.  It’s a place with loud noises, bright lights and sensory overload.

I guess it’s generalized anxiety, as it has no particular focus.  I just knew I had to do something and the gym has been a bit scary since I’ve associated it with the last episode, when I did too much physical exertion and felt ill for a few days.  I didn’t want to let 2,3,4 weeks pass without going because I knew I’d end up building it up in my head.

I just feel constant anxiety today that hasn’t gone even after the out-of-house experience.  What is anxiety like?  It’s like being boxed in to a small space.  It’s like having a hundred sentences starting in your head, and before any single sentence is illuminated another has come to take its place.  It’s total body takeover – churning stomach, nerves scrambling, muscles tense.  It’s wanting to throw up, feeling sick and nauseous.

I dislike anxiety intensely, especially when it causes my system to be overloaded with unusable stress hormones and doesn’t ‘come down’.  My experience is one of being stewed in juices, a cauldron of cortisol and its cohorts.  I know the ropes.  When my system is ‘up’ like this, those churning feelings take their course, eventually dying away to be replaced with physical/mental exhaustion.

I’m glad I did bite the bullet and go – I may suffer a bit while I recover my equilibrium.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. post

I’ve mentioned that I have CFS many times on here.  Following the gym session of which you can read in my last post, I feel like crap physically.  Specifically, last night and previous night VERY poor sleep quality and duration, plus bad headaches and sore throat/glands, which are my usual physical manifestations

Time and again I get this pacing thing wrong.  Then I feel guilty and so it goes on.  I’m confuddled about this bloody illness at the moment (‘confuddled’ isn’t a word – it’s a Blusilkism, I think).  Recently, more controversy over the symptomatic management – Professor Trudie Chalder of King’s College London has done a study showing the positive results of CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  That’s not particularly surprising – the way we think affects our mood and behaviour and this applies to how we perceive physical symptoms as much as mental ones.

What’s more frustrating is the to’ing and fro’ing between other elements, especially GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) and Pacing.

Pacing is the more recent of the two approaches and in a nutshell involves keeping your energy levels under control by only doing a level of activity that you can keep up whether you’re on a ‘good day’ or a ‘bad day’.

I don’t know as much about GET but I think it’s more radical than pacing (I can’t think of the word – I don’t mean radical – but I decided to leave it as is to illustrate one of the symptoms of CFS, which is word-finding/brain fog).  GET pushes more; you increase your exercise levels incrementally and I think, but I’m not sure, that you do this despite any increase in symptoms you may feel.  So it’s sort of pushing the barriers.

For ages GET was fashionable and then it wasn’t, as some patients reported worsening of their illness.  Then pacing arrived, a middle ground.  Now, recently it’s changed again and we’re told there’s benefit from pushing the physical/mental limits.

Sorry this post has been a bit vague and short on the source links for the research – I’m too tired right now to sort all that out, but it’s very confusing for people who want to improve more than anything and are given mixed messages.

Aerobics Class – Guide for Newbies (tongue-in-cheek)

An aerobics instructor - Specimen from Laboratory

Exercise is good for mental health generally, right?  We’re told this.  We know it to be true.  What if you’re a bit overweight and a bit de-conditioned, though?  I am writing this in bed, having just attended an aerobics class of 45 minutes – I am still bright red and fear I may not be able to walk tomorrow.

So, to save others from the same fate, I am going to guide you through attending your First Aerobics Class.

1. Wear something that fits NOW, not the leggings that used to fit 2 years ago! – camel’s toe + sweating + exhaustion isn’t A Good Look.

2. How will I know who the tutor is?  Look out for the girl/guy whose lycra shorts/tankini-top combo are just that little bit tighter than anyone else’s.  This highlights muscle definition and lets you know they live, eat and breathe this shit, baby.  Everyday

3. Additionally, your aerobics instructor will be very tanned and very blond.

4. Don’t assume you can “just hang out at the back and not do much” – some aerobics tutors ask who’s new at the start of the class, so that they can ensure you do not lose momentum, not for one, teeny-tiny second.

5. Claim a spot towards the back where you will be less likely trampled under foot during a Cha-Cha-Cha-And-Clap-Shimmy-Shimmy-Shake- Dip-Clap-KICK! – these girls travel.  FAST and FURIOUS.

6. There is a MIRROR WALL in front of you, showing off every wibble-wobble as you pathetically kick and flail across the studio.  Dress accordingly.

7. Aerobics tutors are ‘enthusiastic’.  They WILL expect you to enjoy doing their moves.

8. Aerobics tutors are enthusiastic.  (Not a typo – I felt the point needed reiterating for impact)!

9. When the aerobics instructor suggests the class ‘go grab your water, guys’, it’s useful to know that, athough you feel like you’ve just done one of the hardest workouts of your life, THAT WAS JUST THE WARM UP!!

10. For pity’s sake take water and fast releasing sugar with you for use during and after the class.

11. Expect a mixture of abilities – some are fitter, some are faster, some are die-hard exercise Juggernauts disguised as frail – ‘oh, I find the moves hard, too’ – young women.

12. When they get the mats out at the end, it’s not so you can all have a lie down, sensibly allowing the double-vision to recede, before getting back behind the wheel of your car.  No.  It’s Mat Exercise Time.  You thought there were only a couple of stomach-crunch techniques?  WRONG!!  There are all manner of twists and turns added to the basic stomach crunch, and THEY ALL HURT.

So, there you go.  This was tongue in cheek, obviously.  There were a mixture of sizes and shapes in the class and I’m told it does get easier each week.

When I got back to my locker, red faced and knackered, one of the girls, whose make-up was still in perfect condition, I might add, asked “So did you enjoy it, then?”.  Her tone was full of enthusiasm.  I took a moment to consider.  “Well,” I said, not wanting to disappoint her expectantly excited query, “‘enjoy’ isn’t exactly the word I’d use… it was, er, somewhere between enjoyment and agony…??”

Well, at least it gets easier week by week…

A Short post – CBT sesh

Just back from a CBT session (this is the third of about 6 or 8 that are available through NHS). I asked to be put on the list for talking therapy around Christmas time when I was, let’s say, not very chipper!

I find it slightly worrying that it wasn’t offered and I had to ask because if it’s quite possible that others could have gone to G.P. feeling too low/depressed/anxious to ask such questions as “Can you refer me for counselling?”

Anyway, my problem with life is that nothing lasts forever. So when I come to the end of something, as with my recent groups and short courses, I always feel a little bereft. I know this can turn into an unhelpful maze of negative thinking and before I know it I can be lying in bed, nightwear plastered to my body, with a feeling of hoplessness.

I am trying to resist this by taking small steps. I now have an activity diary to complete as of today so if I can just keep my head above water I’m hoping this listnessness will be temporary :s

Sleep, sleep, sleep, it’s sooo important for keeping the mind healthy and mine has gone to pot the last few weeks. It’s ridiculous times – 6am being the worst so far for getting off to sleep; I really need a few good nights’ sleep. I’m on amitriptyline low dose for sleep but it makes me groggy rather than actually rendering me unconscious. Anyways…peace to anyone stopping by xx