I am so fucking bored I want to chew my own hand off.
“Well, what do you want to do then, if you’re bored?”
“It’s not that kind of bored that I can think of something I want to do. It’s a deep, internal boredom that comes from the inside and grabs you by the throat…”
“Oh, what are you talking about? All boredom’s internal isn’t it? No one goes around saying ‘hmm, my foot is really bored today’”.
Just another snippet from conversation with family that leads nowhere. I am very very bored, but this morning I was very very tired and the day before I was very very sick from dodgy food, tiredness and too many pills. I’ve been short tempered, irritable with people and then in frustrated tears. It felt like boredom, then it tranmutes into another mental creation.
Boredom turns to fierce tension – I want to rip something apart. I want to scream and throw things and destroy. My fist through a mirror might stop it. Short. Sharp. Energy burst. Blood burst. I could watch the blood and feel the exquisite sting, so much better than the unreleased tension just suspended in mid air. With me, pathetically phrasing emotions “I’m SO bored” and getting nowhere in the phrasing.
Depression and low moods feel like ping pong balls, each carrying a different emotion/state, snapping around a board, crashing here there and everywhere, DING! DING! round and round they go. I’d rather be the teenager with the coin than the ball in the machine.
I know exactly why I’ve hit this low and I know what the sequence of events are that led me here. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s going to feel like shit and be a bit fucking crap to clamber back up out this pit again.