March looks up
April scratches her arse
June blood.rush.heat.strip. now
July getting hotter
August around the melting end of July
There is a model of how people cope with grief:
I think the Christmas/New Year period could loosely fit into that model if we adapt it a little.
DENIAL – “oh it’s ages off, I don’t need to worry yet about the presents, the parties, the clothes, the credit card bill next month”
ANGER – “crap, it’s actually going to happen. I can’t believe I’ve got to stuff a turkey, buy the sprouts, prepare the food, attack the shops at the least hospitable time of year, see my family (some whom I love, some whom I’m indifferent to and the odd straggler that I can’t bloody stand) and just generally enforce joviality with a smile on my face”
BARGAINING – “OK, well, I probably do need to buy some presents, but maybe I don’t have to write out that pack of 30 Xmas cards I bought? I mean, it’s all a bit pointless sending cards to a list of people, some of whom I don’t hear from other than when their Christmas card drops through my letterbox with a weary kerplunk. I’ll just write the ‘main’ ones out. Save some rainforest. I’ll buy some presents, but just the really essential ones. And Christmas Day? Well I’ll just have to see how I feel. If I feel rotten on the day I can always come home early, can’t I?”
DEPRESSION – “This is fucking boring. I’m sat with these people, having a marathon eating session, cooped up in a confined space with no legitimate reason to leave and trying to either make conversation with people I have nothing in common with or field questions about my life – love, money, career – that, frankly, just makes me feel dispirited and sad.”
ACCEPTANCE – “It’s just one day. One meaningless day you have to get through and soon enough things will go back to the way they were. Loads of people don’t like this time of year, I’m not alone. I need to get through it and no more. After all, at least I have a family and am lucky in very many ways.”
So, Christmas was okay. Nothing spectacular. New Year, on the other hand, was different. I’ve never been away for NYE. It was a wonderfully topsy-turvy trip that I got through better than I thought I would. I wasn’t bored as I was doing something new, seeing a new place and, although some parts of the trip went severely tits up, for the most part I was okay. I coped. I enjoyed. I’ll do a proper post about the stuff that I did and about New Year’s Eve, which was a disaster, but all the more memorable for it.
On another note, today I’m a bit down. It’s nothing, really. It’s what I would call ‘back to work blues’, which I believe is endemic when people have a flurry of activity, socialising, stressing and chilling at Christmas and then have to go back to work. I don’t work but I do get the same vibe. It’s a sort of change of gear, a realisation that the time for sorting ones life out is nigh.
I’m doing a little reading. I was given the Twilight books for Christmas and am trying to read a bit more. As the books are written for a teen audience they are also very suitable for someone with a dodgy concentration span. I never thought about trying teen books before when I struggled with fatigue. Any kind of impairment requires these little modifications to make life easier. It doesn’t matter if you struggle mentally or physically or both, you have to adapt your life to live with a reasonable level of control over symptoms, whilst keeping quality of life as high as possible. ’tain’t easy!