Okay, so you’ve decided you’re depressed. Not just unhappy. Proper Depressed. The full monty. The whole nine yards. No half-way measures of slight sadness; and even if it were a half measure it would be half empty, not half full. That’s important, guys. It has to be half empty. If it’s a half full cup of boo-hoo you can’t come in to Depression Club.
Okay, well now that we’ve cleared up the basics, if you still think you could be depressed, I’ll take you through the Ten Commandments of Depression. Please be aware that if you do not meet these ten requirements you will not be allowed into The Club. However, if on being refused membership, you subsequently feel utterly humiliated and useless (“I can’t even get entry into a Depression group – I must be the most worthless piece of crap walking this planet”), and then try to top yourself, well, in this very special circumstance, your membership will be re-evaluated, and – good news – you will almost certainly be given membership. Posthumously.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1) Thou shalt not wash.
2) Thou shalt not spend more time out of bed than in it.
3) Thou shalt not have sex (this commandment is to clarify No. 2, above, whereby some unscrupulous people could gain entry by following the letter of the law – lots of time in bed – whilst spending that time having jolly sex romps. This shall not be tolerated. I’m onto you.)
4) Thou shalt not eat, or, conversely, shall eat nothing but carb-heavy junk food.
5) Thou shalt not have the concentration nor energy to read this post. If you’ve got this far, you’re out. (Yes, that includes me, as I’ve written this, but I’m the founding member so I get to flout my rules.)
6) Thou shalt not seek solace from priest, friend or ‘other’. You don’t deserve it.
7) Thou shalt know for certain thou art the most worthless person on the planet. (I know this could be contested if I get more than one member – the superlative may be awkward to prove – but I won’t get more than one member because I’m so rubbish.)
8) Thou shalt ponder the merits of different methods of topping yourself.
9) Thou shalt immediately take full responsibility for any incompetence experienced by mental health professionals. It’s your weirdness that is hindering their ability to do their job.
10) Thou shalt take these commandments with a pinch of salt (and a shot of tequila).