I will sound American when I say that “I need to share”. I’m English and self-conscious about splurges of feelings on a page. I don’t feel good. I don’t have a therapist. I am making this blog my stand-in therapist, at least for tonight.
I feel things, but those things are messed up and jumbled in my head. The thoughts and feelings are swirling independently of one another so that I no longer know where either came from, or how and why they touch eachother.
I have to write these things in this vague way, because I only have conscious access to the vagueness. I mean, I have the odd thought that relates to real life things that I want to be different, but as a whole it’s more a panoply of zig-zagging colours in my head.
Well, I did mean to write this to try to make some coherent sense out of the confusion, so here’s what I know:
I have PMT right now – I can tell my emotions are in flux.
I cancelled going round to my friend’s house earlier (I thought I didn’t have the energy, was too groggy, but I wasn’t exactly confident in that judgement)
I have just now rejected my sister’s invitation to join her with some of her friends. She says she doesn’t like leaving me like this. I rebuff her attempts for a couple of minutes as she tries to convince me to come.
If this was a legal case then I could tell you “those were the facts of the case”. I feel unsociable and yet scared of dipping further down. I want to feel better and yet am reluctant to alter my behaviour to try to jump-start that feeling better. I’m confused. I think to myself that I don’t want to sit in a group of people and yet wonder if that is what I should be doing. I am wary of isolating myself too much, but at this present time, isolating feels more comfortable than socialising.
I kind of know that I will probably (hopefully) feel much better in a few days, when the pmt has gone and when I’m in a happier place in my head. I imagine I’ll look back on this post and think ‘yeah, you weren’t feeling good that day, you were really confused and over-thinking every action or in-action. You were low, basically. I can tell you were low because it’s not just that you chose to cut yourself off from people, it’s that you felt guilty/bad/confused about whether those choices were correct or incorrect, creating further angst.’
Other things on my mind:
body-image issues, feeling disconnected, desiring more fulfilling relationships in my life (achievable only by getting out there and meeting new people – my sister’s invitation would have put me in the vicinity of people, but they are her friends, not mine). I haven’t chosen them and being around them doesn’t make me happy.
Enough of this for now. I have made as much sense of this as I can and I’m not even sure I’ve tweezed out the real issues.
I do think I need to find something to be interested in. Something with people. Like a class of some kind. I’ve had this at the back of my mind for some time. So why haven’t I acted on it? Sometimes I think there’s a part of me that is self-punishing. Not overtly, but sneaky sneaky, not getting me what I want, through wasting time, postponing research on local groups I might like to attend, by doing other things, ‘I’m just watching a DVD first’ or ‘I’ll do that after I’ve read my emails’ etc.
I think that last paragraph makes sense to me. I definitely put things off and suffer for it. Anyway, maybe writing this will help me see a little clearer. It’s a theory anyway.
I’ve got a couple of nearly-done blog posts I must try to get out this weekend. I enjoy writing about things that interest me, things I read about, so, again, that is something I should really try to pursue in a more structured way. If I went to a book club or writing group I’d have more impetus to write more things I think.