Blog Therapy


 

I will sound American when I say that “I need to share”.  I’m English and self-conscious about splurges of feelings on a page.  I don’t feel good.  I don’t have a therapist.  I am making this blog my stand-in therapist, at least for tonight.

I feel things, but those things are messed up and jumbled in my head.  The thoughts and feelings are swirling independently of one another so that I no longer know where either came from, or how and why they touch eachother.

I have to write these things in this vague way, because I only have conscious access to the vagueness.  I mean, I have the odd thought that relates to real life things that I want to be different, but as a whole it’s more a panoply of zig-zagging colours in my head.

Well, I did mean to write this to try to make some coherent sense out of the confusion, so here’s what I know:

I have PMT right now – I can tell my emotions are in flux.

I cancelled going round to my friend’s house earlier (I thought I didn’t have the energy, was too groggy, but I wasn’t exactly confident in that judgement)

I have just now rejected my sister’s invitation to join her with some of her friends.  She says she doesn’t like leaving me like this.  I rebuff her attempts for a couple of minutes as she tries to convince me to come.

If this was a legal case then I could tell you “those were the facts of the case”.  I feel unsociable and yet scared of dipping further down.  I want to feel better and yet am reluctant to alter my behaviour to try to jump-start that feeling better.  I’m confused.  I think to myself that I don’t want to sit in a group of people and yet wonder if that is what I should be doing.  I am wary of isolating myself too much, but at this present time, isolating feels more comfortable than socialising.

I kind of know that I will probably (hopefully) feel much better in a few days, when the pmt has gone and when I’m in a happier place in my head.  I imagine I’ll look back on this post and think ‘yeah, you weren’t feeling good that day, you were really confused and over-thinking every action or in-action.  You were low, basically.  I can tell you were low because it’s not just that you chose to cut yourself off from people, it’s that you felt guilty/bad/confused about whether those choices were correct or incorrect, creating further angst.’

Other things on my mind:

body-image issues, feeling disconnected, desiring more fulfilling relationships in my life (achievable only by getting out there and meeting new people – my sister’s invitation would have put me in the vicinity of people, but they are her friends, not mine).  I haven’t chosen them and being around them doesn’t make me happy.

Enough of this for now.  I have made as much sense of this as I can and I’m not even sure I’ve tweezed out the real issues.

I do think I need to find something to be interested in.  Something with people.  Like a class of some kind.  I’ve had this at the back of my mind for some time.  So why haven’t I acted on it?  Sometimes I think there’s a part of me that is self-punishing.  Not overtly, but sneaky sneaky, not getting me what I want, through wasting time, postponing research on local groups I might like to attend, by doing other things, ‘I’m just watching a DVD first’ or ‘I’ll do that after I’ve read my emails’ etc.

I think that last paragraph makes sense to me.  I definitely put things off and suffer for it.  Anyway, maybe writing this will help me see a little clearer.  It’s a theory anyway.

I’ve got a couple of nearly-done blog posts I must try to get out this weekend.  I enjoy writing about things that interest me, things I read about, so, again, that is something I should really try to pursue in a more structured way.  If I went to a book club or writing group I’d have more impetus to write more things I think.

2 thoughts on “Blog Therapy

  1. Sorry to hear you’re feeling confused and low. Do you have a care co-ordinator/key worker? Are you ok with them? If so, have a word and see if it helps. Try to stay calm. This will pass.

    M

    • ooh, didn’t mean to ignore this comment, sorry. I’m not really ‘in’ the mental health system at the moment so I don’t have a care co-ordinator, no. Whenever I dip into the MH services, from past experience, they seem quite keen to discharge you asap. I prefer user-led groups (they tend not to chuck you out after the 8-10 session norm)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s