This is the first post I’ve ever written whilst drunk. I’ve written whilst ‘under the influence’ before, but not with this much alcohol in my veins.
My bloody birthday is now over. It’s ten o’clock at night, but I’m done. Day 1, yesterday, involved a relaxing massage/spa day and day 2, today, has been lunch, cocktails, 3-D cinema, dinner, champagne, wine and too much tiramisu.
I know all that sounds like fun. And it was. In parts, at least. But I couldn’t escape the fact that it was all about getting through this fucking birthday that I never wanted to have. It’s a ridiculously self-involved and human paranoia about ageing. There’s no way I can write about it and have it make sense. Rationally, I know all the clichés are true. It’s just numbers etc. There are bigger, more important things to worry about. Yet, when it comes to the crunch, we are all self-contained vessels of emotional neuroses. Some are more level-headed than others, but we all feel the pinch at one time or another. This has been my time. And it has fucking hurt.
I want to send out good vibes to the people who came out with me, who made passing the time easier and less stressful for me. I will thank them in texts and so on. It was just one of those birthdays where I was never going to be cool with it. In many ways it has made me realise that I can not carry on this way. I need to get away. With the birthday over I can maybe focus on how to make that happen.
I stuck my fingers down my throat when I got home tonight. I felt sick with wine and pizza and dessert and the weight of expectations. I wanted it all out of me. I wanted to know that I wasn’t going to just swallow it anymore – this life, this routine, this monotony. Maybe some of this is a drunk girl talking shit. But some of it is real.
So, the plan. Well, tomorrow probably will be quite tired. After that, I’m going to start, little by little, sorting things through – my friend wants to go on holiday next month. I’m wondering if I should go and then just stay away for a while. I’ve no idea if this is mid-life crisis come early, a flash in the pan, or a build-up of dissatisfaction. Whatever its genesis, something has to CHANGE.