today has been odd. Anxiety this morning because I had to phone the dentist and thought I might be called in two days early, instead of my allotted appointment (I’ll explain in another post). I didn’t have to go in, so anxiety-moment over.
But…I hadn’t really thought past making the phonecall.
When anxiety builds and then is suddenly over, it’s weird. It’s like running as fast as you can and stopping suddenly. Emergency break. But you’re body still has momentum, even if your feet have stopped, and the only place it could move to is face-forward on the ground.
I haven’t done anything today. The anxiety has dropped, which is great. Its replacement has been a lack of direction for the rest of the day. I’m bored, tense, irritated, apathetic and fine, one after the other.
I am a believer in the power of positive thinking and positive action and taking responsibility for my own life. I say this because it’s related to the above description of my day. I’ve not pulled my finger out to do something positive, to turn my day around. That’s my bad. I could have done something, pushed through the barrier.
I feel like it’s important that I acknowledge this stuff. A behaviour on one day impacts that day and maybe then the next, and the next, and the next…
I haven’t just been reading a self-help book. Promise. These are my honest feelings, gleaned from past experiments, such as forcing myself out for a walk when I feel like ‘I can’t be bothered and it won’t help’, such as going out to a meditation class when I really don’t feel like it etc.
I am not disgusted with myself for not doing anything with my day today. I am just aware that I had a choice. When people are in deep depressions, or deep into any illness, physical or mental, they don’t always have a choice. For example, with my CFS, when it’s bad, I have to stay in bed sometimes. Similarly, if I get a bad depressive attack, I don’t always have the choice to step out of it with a brisk walk, a warm bath, or whatever else is theoretically open to me.
Today, I had the choice. I’m lucky when I can say that. I had the choice. And it’s on me to use any opening to make good decisions, to make my life better. Like anyone, I fuck it up sometimes. But I can’t allow that to be a recurring pattern, because my personal consequences (potential slide into depressions) are too devastating.