I want all the bits of me to stay inside. I want my pieces to behave, not jiggle about against my rib cage, bits of me looking for their escape route. I push one squirrely bit of me back in its place on the left and another is sure to pop straight out on the right (that game for kids where they use a hammer to hit shapes down?? – a fool’s game where the machine is at least as fast as the hand – and the shapes keep coming back, so the only result is an agitated, sweaty child, or a dead battery).
I’m fragile; mood-swings. I’m sensitive in ways I can’t predict. One hour I’m okay, the next I’m crying. The catalyst is a film, or a friend who says the wrong thing, or a friend who says nothing at all. A family member doesn’t ask how I am and suddenly they are blacklisted. They are inconsiderate. I’m pissed at them for not being more attentive, given the hours I’ve put in with them and their troubles. I’m either pissed off at being treated like a doormat, or inconsolable because nobody likes me. I haven’t voiced these emotions, because I don’t know that I want to rain down hell upon the first person who ignites the fuse.
These growling irks will circle, gather and crash, or dissipate in the lost momentum of One Night’s Fair Sleep.
Addendum: I’ve always known I’m sensitive; my feelings are easily hurt. I don’t have a thick skin. I may have invented a light cotton sheet to shield myself from the rawness, but I’ve never lost the tendency to take things to heart. This has thrown up a question for me at regular intervals during my life.
How do I know, if I get upset with someone, whether I’m ‘just being overly sensitive’?
Once you tell someone that you are a sensitive sort, you are likely to have that fact thrown back at you whenever you get angry or upset. This has happened to me loads of times. For example, in relationships, I’ve had disagreements/arguments where I’ve spent a lot of mental time figuring out if my point is totally valid, partially valid, or an example of me taking things too much to heart. This is on top of the emotions of the original conflict.
I think I can tell when I have a rational point, but I’m always going to question myself. If friends/family/partners accuse me of being overly sensitive they may well be right; on the other hand, it’s a sure-fire way to make me doubt myself and give them the upper hand of an argument. Ammuntion to get the upper hand is always going to be attractive and, in my experience, a lot of arguments with an emotional aspect are fought on an ‘all is fair in love and war’ ground.
My point is, even if I’m sensitive, even if I’m like the most sensitive sensitiv-ist sensitiv-ist-ist person in the whole wide world, there have to be some occasions where I’m making a valid point. That’s just logical. Law of probability. My task is to figure out which occasions these are and not back down. I’m working on that. By the way, this applies to any trait identified in anyone. A person prone to insensitive comments can’t be held to be insensitive every time they upset someone. A person prone to jealousy isn’t automatically paranoid every time they feel/act jealous. And so on…