HELP! I’m starting to feel a bit crap. I need a Decision Fairy to tell me what to do. Ever have one of those days? Or months?
My head isn’t making any sense. I think my mood is dipping. Well, duh! But, I mean, it’s hard to know what’s happening. This morning I felt foggy and tired, but not depressed. I just thought it was fatigue coz I’d sorted through some onerous head-fuck paperwork yesterday. I decided that I should probably keep low to the ground today, not do much, rest, and then I estimated after a sleep supreme tonight things would feel better.
Now I don’t know. I’m sorry to use the same old expressions that always get carted out to describe a low mood, but it really is like there’s a bit of dull metal lodged in my brain. I hate using those similes/metaphors that are so clichéd, I wish I could be original. I just can’t think of a more apt way of verbalizing the way you feel when you start to go down. It is like your head is full of cotton wool. It is like there’s a dull grey gauze in your brain.
Anyway, the decision-making is one of the first things to go for me. I am wondering whether to make a dash for the gym or stay indoors, in bed, vegetating. At the moment my body/mind says “stay in bed. You feel tired. The gym would be soooo much effort.” Some vestige of self-preservation is squeaking “no, go to the gym. If you’re mood is going down (and you don’t know if it is or not yet) then if you don’t act now, you might get so stuck you are unable to tomorrow.”
I need my Decision Fairy. NOW.
I could advertise, perhaps…
WANTED: Decision Fairy
One enthusiastic decision-maker.
You must be no bigger than my thumb (to sit on my shoulder…discreetly)
and no heavier than a tennis ball.
You must be available between 9am-10pm, Monday to Sunday.
This is a part-time post, you may be called in at short notice.
You will have a go-getting outlook (“go-get me a DVD from BlockBuster” for e.g.), be enthusiastic and have some understanding of MH issues.
In return for your flexible, positive approach, you will be rewarded with as many fruits of the forest as you can eat (frozen, in a bag from Tesco’s), along with the satisfaction of helping a person temporarily unable to decide stuff.
Full, clean driving licence essential.
Well, I feel even less like driving to the gym now. It’s getting late, raining and the whole idea is so much effort. By the way, sometimes people who’ve had really bad depressive attacks get shit-scared when they feel a downer coming on. Just a word of consolation from someone who’s had two or three major depressive episodes lasting months at a time: DON’T PANIC. In my case, I’ve found that even when I’ve come out of a major depression, I’m still prone to dark moods. At first I used to freak out and think “ohmigod,ohmigod,ohmigod, it’s happening again, I can’t do this again”, and I’d start feverishly thinking of suitable suicide methods should things get that bad. What seems to be the case, for me at least, is that my mood can get pretty depressed for a few days, but I do come out of it. It’s not pleasant but it’s slightly easier than when I constantly thought I was headed for God knows how many months of house-ridden tortured misery.
Yeah, so, here I am. I am writing this (albeit very slowly and with ‘thinking’ breaks), I’m still eating, I could probably read a page or two of a book if pushed. It’s when these little things start to fall away that I get properly worried. I’m now going to take my head, complete with heavy lead object inside, and rest it on my pillow…