I’m pushing forward when I feel able. I’m pushing against a gust of wind or a steel container that is heavy, cumbersome. Some days are easier.
I had a mis-spent youth. It was mis-spent trying to be practically perfect in every way. I had few friends, stunted emotional development, but bloody fantastic grades. I’ve been trying to make up for my mis-spent youth ever since the age of 22.
When my twenties ended, amidst much hysterical life-assessment, I vowed I would try to get myself out of this hole I’m in. This involves change. Change is scary. So, I vowed to start with easier tasks.
Firstly, I thought it absolutely paramount that I start smoking.
..Okay, let me put some hair on that bald statement, which, if left hanging there, looks like a bit of a lunatic scheme. To clarify, I thought it paramount that I start doing things which I’ve not done before, through lack of opportunity or lack of the correct amount of teen rebellion.
So, I bought ten cigs from the supermarket and smoked them. It took about three weeks to get through them, but it ticked off one of my ‘not done it before’ tasks. I have dragged on cigarettes whilst drunk, but never ‘learnt’ to smoke. Cue much coughing, failed lighting attempts, soggy filters and proclamations that “I’m crap at this smoking lark!” Got the hang of it by the tenth, though.
Also, been on the date previously mentioned. Haven’t had a boyfriend for a couple of years – I find men scary, and dates, therefore, feel like I’m voluntarily strapping myself into a chair, whilst watching a tornado heading straight in my direction, as thousands of right-minded, screaming people run in the opposite direction. Some might think I’m a little phobic…
The date seemed to go okay and we’ve had a phone conversation since, which, again, seemed to go okay. You can never tell though, can you? I am sooo rubbish at just relaxing into a phone conversation without dissecting what the other person’s thinking. No wonder I find them exhausting. We have arranged a second date – I have thus far studiously avoided the use of the word ‘date’ in conversation/texts with this man, but that is what it is – so all I can do is try to relax about it as much as possible.
I think I need to go on loads of dates just to get this date phobia out of my system. But I don’t know how to find lots of people willing to ask me out on dates so I can practice getting less stressed.
Anyhoo, relationships only one side of a many-sided polygon. I also need to address my health, my spiritual disharmony, my living arrangements, my wealth deficit and my intellectual boredom. No small task is it. I’ll update if anything major occurs.
Be well xx