I feel like shit. I feel upset. I feel panicky. I feel a knot in my stomach. I have overwhelming feelings of ineptitude, guilt, hopelessness. I’m writing this to try to calm myself, not for any other reason. I’m not going to go to the doctor because these extreme mood states burn themselves out for me. I can’t have this shit eating away at my insides though. I feel like crying or screaming but I can’t cry very easily and certainly not on cue. The screaming would alert the household – parents would probably think I was being attacked and neighbours would think God-knows-what.
I blame the season. I really can’t stand this bloody darkness. I feel so anti-social. I’m trying to do the ‘right’ things i.e. keep a routine, try to get outside for some of the daylight hours, eat decently etc. But socialising is beyond me. I’ve cancelled or turned down several social invites lately because I either feel too depressed to socialize or want to be under my duvet.
At the weekend a friend was having people round to watch X-Factor, drink and eat etc. I said I might go. I want to feel better. I decided to get myself ready, have a glass of wine, try to get in the spirit. This was more of a friend of a friend thing so it didn’t matter if I decided last minute. Anyway, the wine made me sleepy, depressed and forlorn. I was testing the water (wine) by drinking a small glass because these people always drink a lot and so I usually follow suit (I’m not one of those people who doesn’t mind not drinking when everyone around them is getting pissed).
I’d poured a second glass of wine before I decided not to go. I realised I do feel depressed. No running away from it. The small glass of wine had potentiated the depressed mood. I realised that I couldn’t drink. Not even in the house. Not that night. I found a red plastic funnel and poured the second untouched glass of wine back into the bottle. I found that act darkly comic a few days later when I was in a slightly better mood. The wine is still in the fridge. I am weird with alcohol. If I’m feeling good I can enjoy drinking. If I’m feeling a bit pissed off I can get something out of it too. But if my mood is truly depressed it does absolutely nothing for me and makes me feel bleak as hell. I find that interesting only because a lot of people seem to be able to get a good effect from booze when they’re low. I suppose that’s just different brain chemistries – as they say, everyone has their poison.
Add-on: Where the fuck has Lola gone?…was my first thought on clicking her blog link. I then thought how long it must have been since I last clicked-on. I used to read her and other blogger’s stuff quite regularly and then stopped when I didn’t feel upto it. Kind of gutted. Great writing. Suppose I should update my antiquated blogroll then..