Christmas toast.


And the rains have come,

And they wash the snow,

start to wash Christmas away.

Hi.  Having a bit of a depressive bout at the moment, particularly over Christmas. 

My eyes feel half open, only willing to let half the outside in.

I feel the weight on my brain, the dull pull downwards.

I am dealing with it by going through the motions when I can.   I went out for food and a film on Xmas Eve. 

Xmas Day I went to the family gathering as usual but I knew I couldn’t eat – I think it was the fatigue from the evening before.  I tried to drink a glass of wine but knew I wasn’t going to buck up when it took me further behind the glass wall.  So I unceremoniously bolted.  I left quietly with my Mum when she was coming back to pick my Dad up.  Xmas Day I ate toast.  Christmas toast for Christmas dinner.  I threw up shortly after – sometimes my CFS makes it really hard to digest food when I’m tired.  Fat chance I’d have had with a big turkey dinner.

On the day I didn’t feel down because I was having these genuine physical symptoms, though I was asked if I felt awful having Christmas Day alone.  I just wanted to be in bed.

Anyway, once the physical symptoms passed I did, once again, recognize the depression.  I am getting dressed, washing and, today, have been out to post something I sold on the internet.

Christmas is hard because usual activities stop.  With snow there is added stoppage time.  Throw in forced celebrations, relatives and lack of daylight and you have a potent Depressive Cocktail.

I am holding on for January.  I will be able to go to group, take up therapeutic day courses, and hopefully be more active.  I’m getting a few panic attacks, sometimes worrying I’m falling into something deep and engulfing.  I have had enough of these episodes to know I need to engage the rationalizing taught in all those books and therapy sessions of old. 

Time to hold out for better days.


3 thoughts on “Christmas toast.

  1. What I really like about your writing, even or maybe especially when it’s sad, is your poetic way of expressing yourself. M x 😀

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