And the rains have come,
And they wash the snow,
start to wash Christmas away.
Hi. Having a bit of a depressive bout at the moment, particularly over Christmas.
My eyes feel half open, only willing to let half the outside in.
I feel the weight on my brain, the dull pull downwards.
I am dealing with it by going through the motions when I can. I went out for food and a film on Xmas Eve.
Xmas Day I went to the family gathering as usual but I knew I couldn’t eat – I think it was the fatigue from the evening before. I tried to drink a glass of wine but knew I wasn’t going to buck up when it took me further behind the glass wall. So I unceremoniously bolted. I left quietly with my Mum when she was coming back to pick my Dad up. Xmas Day I ate toast. Christmas toast for Christmas dinner. I threw up shortly after – sometimes my CFS makes it really hard to digest food when I’m tired. Fat chance I’d have had with a big turkey dinner.
On the day I didn’t feel down because I was having these genuine physical symptoms, though I was asked if I felt awful having Christmas Day alone. I just wanted to be in bed.
Anyway, once the physical symptoms passed I did, once again, recognize the depression. I am getting dressed, washing and, today, have been out to post something I sold on the internet.
Christmas is hard because usual activities stop. With snow there is added stoppage time. Throw in forced celebrations, relatives and lack of daylight and you have a potent Depressive Cocktail.
I am holding on for January. I will be able to go to group, take up therapeutic day courses, and hopefully be more active. I’m getting a few panic attacks, sometimes worrying I’m falling into something deep and engulfing. I have had enough of these episodes to know I need to engage the rationalizing taught in all those books and therapy sessions of old.
Time to hold out for better days.