I feel…weird. Pent up, tense, low moody.
I have an assessment thing on Monday for a course I’m doing – a group presentation that scares me because I’m an anxious little bunny. Is that why I feel weird?
Or is it because my friend cancelled our meet up today and I, in some way am feeling the withdrawal from psyching myself up to be all social and now…nothing….?
It might be all of the above, plus the fact I nearly crashed the car today. It was a roundabout deal – I think I assumed that the car in front was going through the lights, when in fact there was a q in front of her so she had stopped. I only realised this as my heart pinched with terror when I glanced up and saw the backside of her vehicle advancing towards my bumper (though obviously it was I who was moving). I did an emergency brake the like of which I hope I never have to do again.
My car (and it’s not even my car) stopped dead an inch before her back end. You know how people say their lives flash before them when they are in an accident. Well, I could say, rather, that my motoring future flashed before me in those few seconds. I thought “points on my licence; insurance going through the roof; parental ire; awkward apologies to other driver, followed by information exchange and witnesses to bear against my driving…”
And then, amazingly, the foot that had floored the brake did its job. The jolt I was expecting came only from my own car’s quick-stop.
I was only a few minutes from home so I drove the rest of the way with adrenalin coursing through my veins. I told myself off for letting thoughts, or reaching for a drink, or whatever it was that lost my attention, get in the way.
The thing is I’m very sensitive. In the old days people used to say it was their “nerves” they had trouble with. Now they’d probably call it anxiety. I am so sensitively drawn though, so that stuff like this doesn’t just brush off in half an hour. My system stays on active alert for useless hours.
A glass of wine with my dinner hasn’t really helped. It seems to have a depressant effect on me.
I don’t know what is wrong, but I feel really weird now.