Aerobics Class – Guide for Newbies (tongue-in-cheek)


An aerobics instructor - Specimen from Laboratory

Exercise is good for mental health generally, right?  We’re told this.  We know it to be true.  What if you’re a bit overweight and a bit de-conditioned, though?  I am writing this in bed, having just attended an aerobics class of 45 minutes – I am still bright red and fear I may not be able to walk tomorrow.

So, to save others from the same fate, I am going to guide you through attending your First Aerobics Class.

  1. Wear something that fits NOW, not the leggings that used to fit 2 years ago! – camel’s toe + sweating + exhaustion isn’t A Good Look.

  2. How will I know who the tutor is?  Look out for the girl/guy whose lycra shorts/tankini-top combo are just that little bit tighter than anyone else’s.  This highlights muscle definition and lets you know they live, eat and breathe this shit, baby.  Everyday

  3. Additionally, your aerobics instructor will be very tanned and very blond.

  4. Don’t assume you can “just hang out at the back and not do much” – some aerobics tutors ask who’s new at the start of the class, so that they can ensure you do not lose momentum, not for one, teeny-tiny second.

  5. Claim a spot towards the back where you will be less likely trampled under foot during a Cha-Cha-Cha-And-Clap-Shimmy-Shimmy-Shake- Dip-Clap-KICK! – these girls travel.  FAST and FURIOUS.

  6. There is a MIRROR WALL in front of you, showing off every wibble-wobble as you pathetically kick and flail across the studio.  Dress accordingly.

  7. Aerobics tutors are ‘enthusiastic’.  They WILL expect you to enjoy doing their moves.

  8. Aerobics tutors are enthusiastic.  (Not a typo – I felt the point needed reiterating for impact)!

  9. When the aerobics instructor suggests the class ‘go grab your water, guys’, it’s useful to know that, athough you feel like you’ve just done one of the hardest workouts of your life, THAT WAS JUST THE WARM UP!!

  10. For pity’s sake take water and fast releasing sugar with you for use during and after the class.

  11. Expect a mixture of abilities – some are fitter, some are faster, some are die-hard exercise Juggernauts disguised as frail – ‘oh, I find the moves hard, too’ – young women.

  12. When they get the mats out at the end, it’s not so you can all have a lie down, sensibly allowing the double-vision to recede, before getting back behind the wheel of your car.  No.  It’s Mat Exercise Time.  You thought there were only a couple of stomach-crunch techniques?  WRONG!!  There are all manner of twists and turns added to the basic stomach crunch, and THEY ALL HURT.

So, there you go.  This was tongue in cheek, obviously.  There were a mixture of sizes and shapes in the class and I’m told it does get easier each week.

When I got back to my locker, red faced and knackered, one of the girls, whose make-up was still in perfect condition, I might add, asked “So did you enjoy it, then?”.  Her tone was full of enthusiasm.  I took a moment to consider.  “Well,” I said, not wanting to disappoint her expectantly excited query, “‘enjoy’ isn’t exactly the word I’d use… it was, er, somewhere between enjoyment and agony…??”

Well, at least it gets easier week by week…

5 thoughts on “Aerobics Class – Guide for Newbies (tongue-in-cheek)

    • lol yeah I know there’s a point where you go ‘actually, this is making me feel better,’ but when you do it first time you wonder if you’ll ever get the high from it. Keep bopping🙂

  1. Bugger me! You make me feel glad I’m an arthritis-ridden old fart and can’t be made to do such things…(I hope).😉

    • Well, technically can’t be made to, no, but my local sports centre now has TONS of classes for 50+ exercise. If you have arthritis they’d probably stick you in the swimming pool to start with for “aqua-aerobics”

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