I have been soo anxious today. I’m putting it down to a bit of agoraphobia following a period of confinement indoors. First I was ill, after the aerobics, then I just feel like I’m faltering a bit lately. There are days when I’m in a low mood and don’t want to do anything. Today I went out for a reeeeallly short gym session. I went for that option because I couldn’t come up with any other ideas on the spot.
When one has been indoors for a few days, the outside world no longer feels ‘normal’. It’s a scary place with “lions and tigers and bears… Oh My!! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my..” (film reference in case you were unaware 😉
It really is. It’s a place with loud noises, bright lights and sensory overload.
I guess it’s generalized anxiety, as it has no particular focus. I just knew I had to do something and the gym has been a bit scary since I’ve associated it with the last episode, when I did too much physical exertion and felt ill for a few days. I didn’t want to let 2,3,4 weeks pass without going because I knew I’d end up building it up in my head.
I just feel constant anxiety today that hasn’t gone even after the out-of-house experience. What is anxiety like? It’s like being boxed in to a small space. It’s like having a hundred sentences starting in your head, and before any single sentence is illuminated another has come to take its place. It’s total body takeover – churning stomach, nerves scrambling, muscles tense. It’s wanting to throw up, feeling sick and nauseous.
I dislike anxiety intensely, especially when it causes my system to be overloaded with unusable stress hormones and doesn’t ‘come down’. My experience is one of being stewed in juices, a cauldron of cortisol and its cohorts. I know the ropes. When my system is ‘up’ like this, those churning feelings take their course, eventually dying away to be replaced with physical/mental exhaustion.
I’m glad I did bite the bullet and go – I may suffer a bit while I recover my equilibrium.