Self Doubt and my perfectionist trait

Session 1 – Photography course

I attended the first session of a photography course this week.  It is an interest I developed (no pun), probably through the monotony of being in one or two rooms for long periods of time.  After a while the patterns within the patterns on the wallpaper started to sing to me ‘we’re here!  Look at us!’  It drove me potty.

So, I took a lot of photographs of my surroundings.  By the way there was this fab sunset yesterday so I’ll show you:

And this was another that I really liked, a bit earlier:

Dealing with people who have more experience/better photographers

There were points were I felt my pictures looked crap or weren’t technically good (which, of course, they probably weren’t, since I have never used a camera without the buffer of knowing I can edit it later) and the photo assignment took place during the class.  We were shooting buildings nearby.

I have this feeling that maybe a leisure course would be better in terms of enjoyment (avoiding the competitive side), and really I wanted something a little more geared to digital manipulation because I am more drawn to that creative side.  I also need to earn money, so I’m very much a confused tired woman at the moment.  I don’t know what to do for the best.

I’m writing this post to make sense of my feelings.  Being positive (stone-blood-hello!!), I contributed in the class, I chatted with people during the breaks and there were moments of feel-good about being with a group, doing something different and being sociable.

My doubts

So, I have to wonder why I came out feeling flat for want of a better word.  Deep down I don’t think this course is right for me.  But I have started it due to nothing obvious to replace it with right now.

The rock – being in the house, alone too much

The the hard place – an overly long 4.5 hour course, which flies against the ideal of controlling my M.E. via pacing, enabling the same amount of activity everyday, not one huge burst and then crashing out the next day.

Why do tutors still read powerpoints?  Don’t they also want to avoid waffly time-wasting?

I got irritated because the tutor gave us PowerPoint handouts and insisted on bloody reading it through through.  For me, those monotonous 50 minutes were actually pointless and I knew they were wasting my energy.  The other bits of the session were much better, particularly going outside to take snaps ourselves.

Self Doubt “I’m not good enough”

Where does the self doubt come in?  Well, before pictures were to please me, but today they were an object to be remarked upon.  I don’t think mine were the worst but there were some that were just so good that I felt a stab of jealousy/inferiority.

I can’t stand being middle of the road.  I know it’s stupid but the perfectionist has not left me.  Even while ill I’m unable to shake the idea of needing validation through exemplary standards.  Anything short of that and I just feel inadequate.  In my depressions the polarizing (no photo pun intended, honest) idea of be good or it’s not worth doing, is quite disabling.

Anyway, won’t ramble on further.  Just hopefully will be able to think a little clearer after a night or two of sleep and time to regroup the brain cell troops.


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