Taken to Hospital. Wore blue gown.

I’m not fully back in my own bearings yet.  That will happen when you have a series of medical emergencies and freak my loved ones out by fitting in front of them. Then, recovering my composure – to much relief-sighing – before getting up and walking over to the bathroom in the hospital.  Apparently I thought this would be the ideal venue for a second uncontrolled fit.  Extra praise given for my ability to put myself in the least accessible places for the medics to reach me.  This farcical night was totally unexpected from all who were there.  I should say, in the light of my previous post voicing concern about the amount of pills I was taking, I was too bloody right about that!!

Now that some time has gone I’m putting my memory fragments together and next time I’ll speak further about the events happening in my conscious world as well as the events I’ve no personal recollection of but that, I know happened, just through volume of people prepared to back it up.


I’m taking rather a lot of meds

Did you ever wonder what doctors do about antidepressant therapy for clients who are already on them?

It might interest you to know that if you have had an episode of mental ill health, requring antidepressant therapy, then it is recommended that you stay on those tablets for a further six months AFTER the depressive illness has been cured.

I have no thoughts on that.  I’ve been munching them for 15 years with very few breaks for santity.  When you first go on the doctor, naturally, starts you on the lowest effective (AD) dose for your height/weight.  20mg for me then.

As we sit now I am currently maxed out on the highest dose of the particular SSRI I’ve been on for 15 years.  As someone with a long term depressive illness, I do not feel it has been sufficiently dealt with that I’ve ever had the chance to realistically go off the meds.  So, chundle along….

Anyway, since the G.P. couldn’t legally overdose me on his own prescription, he suggested a drug combo with a second SSRI of the “oh I’m so tired; let’s just eat a pizza before bed though” variety.

So I’m only in the first week of this adjunct therapy.  I can’t tell yet if it will suit me.  I did say that I’d really like to be able to sleep, which is something I struggle with from the anxiety side of the depression.

I have a feeling I’m going to be setting the medical tone for the rest of my life – anti-depressants next to morning bran flakes, evening antidepressants greeting me from the bedside table.

I’ve heard they can have long term side effects too, but we haven’t got the numbers through yet for all the people who started on these drugs in the 80s, 90s and beyond.

At the moment the focus is survival, if that’s possible.  At the moment I’m not thinking about anything except doing the textbook-correct moves in order to shorten or minimimise the acute suffering (subjective though it be) of a depressive episode.

Nighty night






I’m very sorry to darken the door again but I am afraid I, as before, need a little self-therapy.

I left this blog up to view, leaving it unaltered for four years.  I very rarely came here myself during the past years, but I thought others might find something in it and in that spirit left it up.

The Depression thingy:

The Depression thingy is still alive.  I have been pummelled by it the last few days to such a degree that I ended up returning here.

I’m pretty sure HIM-Macarbre has syruped its way into my head again.  The blank affect.  The guilt.  The lack of any energy.  The reduced enjoyment in anything in daily life. Have I missed some symptoms out there; probably.

I am your weary blogger, returned from my four-year-trip; you can stay as I unpack my case, if you’d like.


Yoga – The eagle has (crash) landed

I’ve been to yoga this week.  I’ve flirted with yoga classes for years and years, never attending a class with any real regularity.

Nothing has changed.

I rate yoga classes on the experience with the teachers, their style of yoga and whether or not I can walk without pain the next day.

I like this teacher 🙂

She is a good vibey sort, not quite a hippy, but not averse to using words such as ‘universal’ ‘One’ ‘earth’ ‘ground’ ‘consciousness” in various sentences.  I like her because I like her attitude – she is relaxed about the class, she gives variations for people with back issues and easy poses for noobs.

I also like her for not putting her hands on me to ‘help‘ me into a better downward facing dog position.  This happened to me with a more hands-on teacher years ago.  She went round the class, as our asses were in the air (downward facing dog looks like this, for the uninitiated):

In this position you are already feeling a little vulnerable, not to mention green.

Anyway, if we weren’t doing it as perfectly as Kermit there, she’d push you into a better alignment.  This might involve some unexpected shoving of hips, re-positioning of feet and pushing on the back.

In any case, for a beginner, to stretch the muscles to far in the first sessions has the unremarkable result that the next day HURTS.  I remember I couldn’t walk without my muscles protesting for a couple of days after that ‘help’ from that teacher.

So now I pick my classes with the next day in mind.  This session we did ‘eagle’ pose, which I am not familiar with.  I have done sun salutes at home and know the basic names and positions since yoga is really good for your body and I do rate it highly as a  form of physical and mental exercise.

EAGLE POSE: Best left to the eagles?

Well, it’s a contortion.  My strongest yogic area are leg stretches – the forward bends feel easiest to my body.  My weakest area are the balancing acts.  The eagle involves wrapping one foot around the calf (so, balancing awkwardly on one leg), whilst battling with your arms to weave your fingers into a very unnatural position, and then… we bend forward.


I am not too good at co-ordination of movement.  I am worse at balance.  I realised my eagle was going to fall and in the few seconds left between the thought and the action my brain went into overdrive.  I quickly assessed my falling options:

  • Forward? An elderly lady in front of me = ABSOLUTELY NOT

  • Try to redirect my imbalance to the back or side so that I would stagger back, hopefully avoiding collision? = BETTER

  • Quick look to the side, ascertaining from the mirror the woman behind me is young = You’ll have to do!  Sorry love.

So, stagger I did.

Heavily putting the suspended leg back on the floor, whilst trying to untangle my hands in the process.  I freed my fingers, clumsily moving to the side and back whilst I got my balance back.

Luckily didn’t bang into anyone.  Apologised to the people I was keeling towards.  Leapt back on my own mat, two feet firmly on the ground.

Where eagles dare, I shall solemnly retreat.

ESA benefit changes – how will it affect me?

I started writing on this topic and the post became too long, so I’m splitting it.  I am one person, affected by a welfare benefits overhaul, who doesn’t know how to feel yet.  So, first part:

There is a massive change in welfare benefits in the UK at the moment, which is of concern to anyone who is already claiming sickness related benefits or will shortly need to.

If you are in the process of being assessed or wish to download the forms and information guides, then the dwp website has the links if you click—–> here.

Since there is the whole country to get through, people must feel the impact, for good or bad, at staggered times.

It’s my turn to be staggered.

Well, I completed the limited capability for work form, within the month, as required.  I then awaited for the results.

A few days ago I got the decision letter telling me that I had been placed in the work related activity group (as opposed to the ‘support’ group, which is reserved for those with limited capability for work related activity – KEEP UP, WILL YOU, this stuff is reviting.  I’m about to RIVET you.

 I was totally anxious when I got that letter.  I’ve not had time to read through the time-consuming, dreary particulars, which I am endeavouring to do, one clause at a time, but it really set me in a tail spin of anxiety when it hit me that I knew nothing about the new structure.

The greatest fear comes from simply not knowing.

I only knew the true extent of my not-knowing, when I received the decision letter, which helped to clarify that I was in a very vague category, with vague responsibilities to attend and take part in job focused interviews (or my benefit could be affected).  That last part was pretty clear.

Phrases like taking reasonable steps, seeing a job focused adviser at regular intervals rang out crystal clear, like piccolo song across a frosty lake.

Sadness and other random stuff that makes this title unsuccinct!

I don’t think unsuccinct is a word.  I looked it up after the red line appeared underneath.  No immediate hits on the on line reference pages.  I thought

I’d better not use it then,

then I thought

Why the hell not!

I was shocked the first time someone said Shakespeare had made up words for his plays, to help the tenor, inflexion, whatever you call it, when said aloud.



I thought he was meant to be our greatest treasure and then I find out he would have failed his examinations in school on account of not knowing THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

Ha, there’s some irony in there somewhere.  Don’t worry about schooling, kids, it’s all just made up as we go along anyways…having said that, probably better to jump through the hoops if you’re playing the probabilities of being successful.


I don’t know what I was going to say about sadness.


I’m getting really annoyed whenever you finish a post on this blogging website it gives me a target for my next post count!!!!????

What’s all that about?  This little box comes up

congratulations, on your 101st post!  Now let’s aim for 103!’

That’s bizarre.  First of all, the targets are always one post up, which is like saying to a child, just eat one more vegetable, pleasssse…

And second, I haven’t got a second.


There are some changes, people are moving away, and I’m feeling permanently edgy.  And sad.  And wondering what I should do with myself.  My mood is not stable – it’s dipping it’s foot in suicidal thinking then slowly resurfacing at bearable,  but not stable or within safe nice boundaries.

I think it might force me into a corner and then make me change things for the better, in a sink or swim sort of way – did I mention the corner is sort of rough white stone and I’m standing waist deep in water.  It’s cold in here.


50 Shades of Gray and the following books are definitely similar to Twilight but I doubt plagiarism.  I say this having only read upto 158 pages of Twilight and all of the 50 shades trilogy.


One mice gone, but there are more….I can’t bear them.  It’s not the animal itself – in a cage or in obvious sight would be okay.  It’s the skulking in the darkness and sudden bursts of running if you accidentally disturb them (switching a light on in the night etc).  They should have had a Mouse Olympic sprint event because they are lightning fast.


I love taking  pictures of the moon.  It seems to be particularly atmospheric from my window at night and since I’m up at very haphazard times, I get to photograph it in all sorts of light.  I might make my next post a moon picture post.  I like the bright round white light moon with passing grey clouds partially obscuring it – classic horror style moon.

But if I zoom in on only the moon I get the more detailed view, with the darker parts and parts of craters visible.  I think I prefer those shots because I never managed to view the moon that way before having a zoom x21 camera.  It’s fun.

The People vs A. Mouse

Are mice more intelligent than they used to be?  Are we more stupid?

Why, oh why can’t we catch this little devil?


The facts of the case:

One rodent of mouse like proportions, brownish in colour, spotted by House Dwellers (HDs), about three weeks ago, in a bedroom.

HDs took prompt action to catch said intruder.  All rooms searched.  Pellets found in two bedrooms, kitchen and bathroom.

HDs have dealt with mice before.  Traps were set along the sides of the walls where ‘activity’ i.e. mouse crap, was present.

HDs believe mice prefer the sides of rooms as read and advised by other HDs.

Mouse is causing great disruption to HDs sleeping patterns and general level of well-being.

Mouse has not ventured onto a trap during the time of setting, starting with the first sighting two/three weeks ago.

Mouse is still present as it is still leaving small oval black presents overnight, particularly in the kitchen.

Mouse has been tempted with foods that have previously been successful:

  • chocolate
  • biscuit
  • specialized bait from the shop
  • peanut butter AND biscuit


HD 1 – yours truly – was first to spot and scream report sighting.  She was a little unsure of herself since it was seen at night in her room, when she sat up and put on the light for only a few seconds, around 2am.

However, though HD 1 may have thought herself hallucinating, her story was corroborated the very next day, when HD2 – of sound judgement and good moral character – also screamed reported having seen ‘it’.

The second sighting was at 8pm, very early for a mouse in light of past experience.  HD2 has also complained of general noises, indicative of scratching, in her room.

HD1 now sleeps with the light on most of the night as well as a DVD playing as she doesn’t want to be frightened out of her mind by sudden appearance of A. Mouse.

HD2 has moved sleeping arrangements because she has alternatives.

The Mouse is still at large but there is a warrant out for its arrest, dead or alive.

This Mouse appears different to previous mice in a couple of ways:

  1. It is not grey.
  2. It does not keep the same hours as previous blighters (it doesn’t wait until the middle of the night to come out).
  3. It isn’t going for the bait.
  4. It appears cockier – it has been seen by HD2 while the light was on 8pm ish.

HD1 – myself – cannot bear the thought of a trap going off in her room and has therefore set two unsprung traps with food, to ascertain whether it is in that room and wanting food.  No food has been found missing.

All HDs have had disrupted nights and are getting very frustrated by this mouse-behaviour.

HDs realise that it is not A. Mouse’s fault that it has entered their abode, but nevertheless they are adamant that they will not live happily alongside it.

This case is complex, but if there are any new developments in mouse catching insight, HDs will try anything within reason.